Born Into Heaven
Well, this was a club I didn't sign up for. I never truly knew this club existed until I basically received the invitation I didn't want an invite to. Stillbirth wasn't a frequent topic of discussion; miscarriages or anything. Yet it happens so often, and rarely shared amongst a lot of women.
I debated whether I wanted to share this full story or not for a while. I used to let others' personal opinion of what I shared get in the way of being my authentic self. I felt if I shared any personal piece of me on social media that it would remove this entire top layer of me. Like, pure vulnerability. Well, that was the fear talking -- and me getting in my own head. Who God has called me to be isn't who I used to be. I thought about the wide group of ladies I connected with because THEY shared their stories. I'm so glad you all let God lead you because it contributed to the strength I needed to push through.
If my life can be a testimony to the goodness of God and how he's allowed me to get stronger as time passes then I want it to be that. I want to be a support for any woman that comes across this blog, any woman that loses a child or may have a moment of doubt in God. Any woman that questions her purpose or her existence after something so devastating. I want to tell that woman that God is faithful, He's close to your heart, He hears your cry and He will see you through. When you feel like He's not there, He is. The best way to heal is healing in YOUR own way, but it hurts less over time when you fill your sorrows with God's word. I did this as I was ready and kept reminding myself that He would get me through my dark days.
February 12, 2017 I'll never forget and occasionally replays in my head like a movie. I'd just had a doctors' visit that Thursday, things looked good but a small concern was little DJ's weight. He measured smaller then expected for 36 weeks so my doctor sent me to the maternal fetal specialist for a better opinion. My OBGYN felt I'd either deliver early or be monitored for a small period of time. After an extensive ultrasound, things looked good according to the specialist. His heartbeat and vitals weren't a concern. She did notice he was measuring smaller, but she said I was in the lowest percentile for stillbirth after that ultrasound and many reasons could contribute to his weight but that didn't mean it was affecting him. I went about my weekend and Sunday morning came. I had fake contractions and after speaking with the nurses early that morning we went to the hospital. To say the least, having 6 nurses in a room to tell you they no longer could find a heartbeat was the most numbing feeling I could ever have.
In the moment, we were just silent. Because we knew something was wrong by the amount of nurses in the room. But I was mentally preparing to give birth. My mind couldn't fully process what was happening but I knew I had to be stronger to go through the birthing process. I was going to be induced but after having blood drawn, more was happening in my body then I knew and next thing I was having an emergency c-section. I also had to be put to sleep for this c-section which I thought was uncommon but I wasn't sure?
To say the least after everything was said and done, I'd had a placenta abruption/DIC. My placenta and uterus had completely separated which caused the passing of our little angel. On top of that the DIC (disseminated intravascular coagulation) caused my body to have a serious blood clotting problems. This occurs in 10% of women. I had multiple blood transfusions, during my hospital stay. My fetal specialist told me that if I had waited much longer to get to the hospital, I would have died due to internal bleeding. It's like my body did a 360 that day.
I'd had such a healthy pregnancy, mind you I felt that I was a healthy person for the most part (Or when I wanted to be). I'd never heard of the placenta abruption and you could only imagine how many emotions I felt. Anger, sadness, emptiness, you name it. I've gone through it all and I'm still having my days. I questioned why wasn't he delivered days prior when there was a small concern? I questioned so many things and so many people. I think that was natural to do going through this process. Heck, I even questioned God. Yes, I sure did and you know what? There is nothing wrong with that. God is our Heavenly Father, we should be able to go to him with all troubles and concerns.
This is a forever journey and I'm not sure what that fully looks like. I've truly reached a point where my focus is on healing and doing things that contribute to my healing journey. A few months after DJ passed away I created a "to-do-list" that I'd been following. It basically helped me get out of the rut I was in for so long. This was a heavy, hard loss no one was prepared for but within that the healing came as I was true to myself, and did things as I was ready. I didn't let anyone rush me, I didn't do more than I could handle, and I prayed like never before.
God met me right were I was at. I didn't have a consistent prayer life for the past few years because life started getting good and I guess I thought I didn't have to kick it with Jesus like I used too. Man, I felt so disconnected from him and so not myself. Along with being angry, my mom kept telling me "Listen to your devotionals like you used too, or play Joel Osteen." It went in one ear and out the other. I was not concerned about Joel Osteen. Was Joel going to bring DJ back? I've always loved Joel but that smile and little shiny forehead was not changing my mood, not then. As I realized nothing could fill that empty void I had on the inside of me -- no amount of Hennessy, wine nights, slurpees from the gas station, having friends over or anything could fill that void I had. Even though I had Percocets to help with the pain, it truly helped me sleep. It was like my soul was removed and taken out of my body for months.
As I started seeking God again, I started to actually feel peace, excitement, joy, strength. It didn't happen at once, but over time, after I'd have a devotional session. I'd crave more & more of Him. I wasn't holding my bed hostage and keeping all the blinds closed when I was home alone. I wasn't crying myself to sleep, or crying for 4-5 hours at a time anymore. My eyes weren't swollen shut from crying anymore. When other things in my personal life changed I had to stop thinking "Why me, Who signed me up for this? This wasn't what life was supposed to be like! I'm a nice person" and give it to GOD. I now see why people literally give their burdens and problems to God.
My healing journey required being stripped of what felt like almost everything, to simply be rebuilt layer-by-layer. God became my foundation again, and his love started to fill the cracks and creases. It was the only thing that soothed my heart. My daily time with him. It's like, when I hit DJ's 5 month anniversary, it physically felt like it had been a year. As I got deeper into the word I knew God would restore what I've lost, he'd heal my heart, he'd give me beauty for my ashes. But he also needed me to let him take control over my entire life. HIS way, not mine.
I'm still shocked you're reading this blog, but I hope you stick around. This healing journey is just getting started. Through the pain, this blog was birthed and I pray it's a blessing to your life, even a little bit.
2 Corinthians 12:9
" And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness."